The topic of relationships has been brought up recently, as often as the pending presidential election … only with much more gusto and fervor. Everywhere I turn people are coming together or pulling apart. I seem to be caught in a flurry from all sides, in conversations, and well just generally everywhere I look. The more I hear, the more I desperately begin to wonder where my MR. PERFECT is lurking.
   
   I have somewhat recently gotten out of an almost relationship, which my mother casually dismissed as the "First of many." Well, cheers! Here is to one unsatisfying, unfulfilling, and meaningless relationship after another. Perhaps I will be driven to drink after all.
   
    No, that's not how its supposed to be for me. My MR. PERFECT is going to waltz into my life, sweep me off my feet, declare his undying love for me, then propose. We'll have a large fairy tale wedding then ride off into the sunset and live our lives in marital bliss. I have it planned out so perfectly, so what keeps going wrong? Well to answer this question one needs to deeply scrutinize oneself as well as the former would-be MR. PERFECTS. Yikes, here we go.
   
    Well the first obvious humdinger is the deluded fantasy that somehow MR. PERFECT is going to be the first man I meet. Which is why I thought  my first romantic interest, which started in the 7th grade and lasted all the way through the 10th was sure to be my one true MR. PERFECT.  He was a tall, handsome boy, a year older than me, with all the same interests, and we had talked about getting married after high school. Once he got a job he was hard working, but we still managed to spend all of our free time together. Never mind his eventual dropping out of high school, brushes with the police, alcohol, drugs, his eventual disinclination to me and my new faith, and his newfound interests in other women. From there I have had several experiences with hopeful MR. PERFECTS, all ending very similarly.  
   
    Everything starts out fun, casual, and light. I find someone I enjoy spending time with, someone who doesn't mind (and almost seems intrigued by) my various neurosis, someone who can "really see this going somewhere." In the end it turns out that he can't really handle those "cute quirks", has a new direction in life, meets someone else, or just plain looses interest for reasons not entirely understood. This leads me into the question I frequently ask myself… what makes me so invariably leave-able?  I can run through my half-baked list with speed that can sometimes rattle even my own brain. Superficially, I sometimes think that perhaps if I were thinner, brighter, my nose smaller, my legs longer, if I was more confident, less confident, less neurotic, more open, less emotional, more girly etc… then I wouldn't be half as leave-able as I seem to find myself now.
  
     I do know, though, that some of my near miss MR. PERFECTS were really flaws caught, and sometimes even ignored, until it was too late in the game. Interestingly, most of my almost MR. PERFECTS had an unshakable fixation with either their work, or money. It seemed that they were in a demanding, high stress job, they worked too much, or obsessed over getting a job that would pay them more. Okay, when I said to myself that I wanted a man who was hardworking, ambitious, and able to adequately provide for himself, I didn't mean a money obsessing, workaholic, electricity saving weirdo. Something I need to watch out for in the future.
   
    Now, not all of my almost MR. PERFECTS were hopelessly flawed. I haven't turned a blind eye to flaws of my own. There is one would-be MR. PERFECT that I ended up sabotaging. He was/is just about everything I thought/think I was/am looking for. Smart, funny, quirky in his own right, tall, dark, handsome, acceptably and pleasantly flawed, all around a great catch. Wonderful though all of this may be, I have never come upon a bridge I couldn't burn. In the pattern of Murphy's Law which seems to run rampant through my life, we had some rather large obstacles to overcome. The largest and most dangerous obstacle, of course was that of distance. It was this obstacle that was ultimately my undoing in my situation with my almost MR. PERFECT. I grew in impatience, frustration, and hurt at his reluctance for us to fill the literal thousands of miles gap that stood between us. In the tradition Murphy's Law, another potential MR. PERFECT reentered my life. As my disappointment grew with almost MR. PERFECT, I began growing more intrigued with potential MR. PERFECT. In the end I made a purely emotional (with some very clever and convincing persuasion from potential MR. PERFECT) to tell almost MR. PERFECT that I wanted to try dating potential MR. PERFECT. The whole thing turned out to be one large heart wrenching ordeal. Potential MR. PERFECT turned out to be a perfect jerk, while almost MR. PERFECT turned out to be perfectly right about everything, as usual. In an slightly ironic twist, almost MR. PERFECT has remained my truest friend thus leaving me to continually taste the guilt of all I put him through for my pursuit to ease the discomfort of the single life. So, as in what seems like a just punishment, I am left with the big "what if?" when I talk with him on the phone most evenings. I have also resigned myself to the torture of hearing him talk about other "women he wouldn't mind having a relationship with, but just doesn't know how to go about it" or how he pointedly lets me know that I am absolutely no different from the plethora of other women in his life. Truly, I deserve to continue rotting in this particular hell I have created for myself.
   
    So, I believe that I am perhaps starting to accept my mother's "First of Many" mentality. Now, supposing that I am destined to date several maybe MR. PERFECTS, one does wonder about this whole process. How far should I go for each of these promising relationships? Should I try continually to be the "charming" young lady that they say they see me as, or simply be who I am with no compromise? What about physically? Where should I draw my lines? Sex is a subject that turns me wide-eyed with terror…or desire. The two of them haven't been properly sorted out yet. My terror is that I have opened a Pandora's box of sorts, and am now unable to jam the lid back on. How acceptable is it for me to stipulate that I want to be with a man who is "cuddly" then deny him when he inevitably asks for more? When the time comes, will my terror or my desire be the one taking over? As much as I have always wanted to hold my morals close, I seem to be more than adept at throwing them out the window to please another and myself. In an attempt to keep mishaps like these from happening I have been taught to be specific.
  
     Make a list. That way you won't go falling for some MR. PERFECT imitation. This is a great idea, and I personally have one written out, but there is again another factor not taken into consideration: Promises and Ideas. What is to stop me from going gaga eyed over the idea and/or promise a person presents? Like my most recent would-be MR. PERFECT. I fell so completely for his idea/promise of marriage, family, and a life together that when the reality of our incompatibility set in, I just ended up getting hurt. There was also a particular nearly MR. PERFECT, much to my frustration, who never really said that he loved me. He stated simply that he was "in love with the idea" of me. I went along with his love of the idea of me, until I ended up hurting him when an uglier side to my personality rose to the surface. A side of my personality that was not encompassed in the idea of me that he loved. How does the list protect me from such things as these? What, also, do I do when my potential MR. PERFECT seems to embody my list…only to find out it was an apparition? How choosy with my list should I be when even considering a future MR. PERFECT? I have a friend who strictly adheres to her list and in so doing makes it impossible for her to really get to know anyone. Should I carry on that way I would be a 90 year old spinster wondering if maybe MR. PERFECT died and I simply missed the obituary.
  
     My list is already fairly detailed at about one and a half pages long. Perhaps, as I keep learning from my near miss MR. PERFECTS I will develop the perfect list that is at the very least 7 pages long with little check boxes next to each item. Then, when I meet a promising MR. PERFECT I can have him fill out my short survey as a pre-requisite. Simply "check all that apply". Of course this may send the wrong message to my promising MR. PERFECT. I can always stipulate, however, that my MR. PERFECT wouldn't see this list as a neurotic intrusion as much as he would see it as a "creative precaution"…and make that check box number one.
  
     All in all, this relationship business is very tricky. Even though I am trying to adopt the "First of Many" mentality there is still a part of me that holds on to the belief that my life will be like a Meg Ryan film. Though I may have been through failed relationships, and though I may have huge obstacles to overcome my MR. PERFECT and I will be together in the end. So even if my MR. PERFECT starts out as my sworn enemy, my best friend, a former celestial being, or a duke from history…we will end up happy and, of course, together.
   
    Now regardless that the talk of relationships seem to be following me everywhere, and forcing me to come eye to eye with all of its daunting facts, I won't give up hope just yet. For now, I'll sit back, relax, and keep putting the check boxes on my list until my tall, dark, and handsome MR. PERFECT comes to sweep me off my feet.